Writing Toward Freedom
August 9, 2017 § 21 Comments
By Varda Meyers Epstein
For years I struggled to put pen to paper. How to say what was so perfect in my heart and mind? I’d write it this way and that. But it would be no good.
Then the baby would cry and I’d put the writing aside. I’d tell myself that time was the problem; my excuse for not writing. Because time wasn’t something I was going to have with a baby at home. I’d traded my time, my words, for motherhood.
That’s what I told myself when the words wouldn’t come. And I waited for time. Enough time to write.
When I thought about having time to write I imagined this clean white space: a block of time large enough for that creative spark to take hold. The one that would light a fire under my inner writer. But I both yearned for and feared time. Because sometimes I told myself the truth: that time was my excuse. That I didn’t really know if I could write.
And then time arrived. My youngest turned six and started school. With almost no warning, suddenly there were blocks of time, scads of time. Time to think. Time to write.
I had only to begin.
I stared at the white space on the screen. A space large enough for words to form. A blinking cursor showing me where to begin.
I tapped a key and a letter appeared on the screen, in the center of that wide open white field. I let out a breath I hadn’t known I’d been holding in. Here it was: time to be a writer.
There were no more excuses. Just me and enough time and the words.
It was time to get to work.
And so I typed another letter and soon there was a word staring at me there on the screen.
It was both easier and harder than I’d thought it would be. Easier because I had a lot to say after all those years of excuses. Harder because of that second voice, in addition to the one that liked to blame time.
The second voice was the one that said I was the problem. That I didn’t have it in me to be a writer, that if I kept having babies, I wouldn’t have to prove myself as a writer. That I could keep on blaming time.
It was tempting to give in to that voice. It was frightening to be sitting here typing on a keyboard after years of not knowing whether I was good enough. But I’d learned from having babies that life is about letting go, about getting free from the fear that keeps us from taking that first step.
And so I took a deep breath and typed some more, knowing that with each word I was setting myself free. Free from self-doubt and fear. And that getting free was the main reason I was sitting here in front of a keyboard.
Putting in the time.
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Varda Meyers Epstein is a mother of 12 children and a parenting expert and writer at the Kars4Kids Educational Blog for Parents. Her work has been published in Kveller, Tablet, and the Washington Post. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.
I solute you will power, thanks keep it up
Thank you, Krishna! I definitely will 🙂
12 children! my word! Congratulations on succeeding at both things that seem to be very important to you – writing and motherhood. You now have it all.
Not to mention grandchildren. They are fabulous. Thanks, Reader Runner.
“I don’t need time. What I need is a deadline.” Duke Ellington
Love that one. Also great — “I don’t ask for perfection. All I ask for is goose pimples.” – Duke Ellington
Oh, that’s brilliant. Exactly how I feel every time I pick up a new book to read.
Ooh. I like that. Love the Duke.
Thank you for your honest writing. You are inspiring and hopefully inspiring enough so that I will get to overcome the fear of not being good enough to write, and to write!
The not being good enough to write changes! It’s a muscle you must exercise. I am so much better than say, five years ago. Good luck to you, bafreed woman.
Thank you. Reminds me of a book I recently read about overcoming the resistance we face when we choose to write: “The War of Art” by Stephen Pressfield
Oh, I love what he did with that title. I’ll have to look for that book. Thanks for the recommendation, dbsuch.
Simple, honest, elegant.
Such kind words. Thank you crowdedmind.
Great read. The resistance often gets its way and therefore gets in the way, but then we have that context to look back on and say there’s no better time than now.
Wise words, wells baum.
“I let out a breath I hadn’t known I’d been holding.” Lovely!
😀 Nice to be appreciated. Thank you, Sandra.
For someone like me who procrastinates about writing a lot, this really hit the point.
“That’s what I told myself when the words wouldn’t come. And I waited for time. Enough time to write” – keep on inspiring !
Thank you for inspiring me to write a blog about own experiences in life.
Reblogged this on Notes from An Alien and commented:
No time to write with a baby around?
Translate “baby” into other “blocks”…
Can you see the same issues with the “other” blocks in this woman’s baby blocks…?