The Guts to Tell My Story

April 3, 2020 § 20 Comments


debonisBy Karen DeBonis

I met my future freelance book editor in 2001 at a memoir-writing class. Robyn’s writing was beautiful, her smile magnetic, and I trusted her to hear my story. One of the biggest fears memoirists have is that readers will dislike or even hate us for our faulty decisions and bad behaviors. With Robyn, I felt safe.

After a few years of shared critique groups, lunches, and coffee, we lost touch. I stopped working on my memoir because it got too painful. In fact, I stopped writing completely. Then a medical leave from work in 2016 presented me the opportunity to pick up where I’d left off. I looked Robyn up and saw that she had earned an MFA, taught creative writing, and started an editorial business. We met at a coffee shop and I told her I needed an editor. A month or two later, I handed over the goods—my first 100 pages—hoping they were good enough.

Years passed, or maybe it just felt that way, before we sat at Robyn’s dining room table, where she met most of her clients, where her fat cat plopped himself down on my dog-eared manuscript. I felt as nervous as I do with a new gynecologist who will peer into my most private places. Robyn flipped through some notes as if deciding where to start.

“It was riveting,” she finally said. “A page-turner.” Her husband poked his head in from the kitchen, where he had been opening cabinet doors and clanging dishes.

“I’ve never heard her say that to anyone,” he said with a wink. “So you should believe her.” And I did.

Riveting didn’t mean finished, though, and I had a year’s worth of work before our next meeting. Finally, I hit “send” and waited for what seemed like millennia for Robyn to say her edits were ready. This time, we rendezvoused in a library.

In the last chapter, I had added a scene that took place in 2018. In it, my husband, Mike, and I discussed the pediatrician who, from 1994 to 1997, had dismissed my concerns about our young son, missing what turned out to be symptoms of a brain tumor. Mike had dismissed my concerns, too, so he didn’t want to cast blame. I wanted to hold the pediatrician accountable for her stubbornness only as much as I held myself accountable for my complacency. At the time, my compulsive people-pleasing kept me mute. I didn’t know how to be assertive. I couldn’t speak up on behalf of my son. I was to blame, too, for the delay in his diagnosis. Papaji, an Indian guru, says it well: “If you’re acting like a sheep, do not blame the shepherd.”

“I hated you when I read that scene,” Robyn said. Her laugh told me she didn’t really hate me, so my people-pleasing kicked in and I smiled.

“I hate you now,” she said with a bigger laugh, in a very un-library-like voice. I experienced the disconnect that happens when my heart feels a jab that it can’t communicate to my face.

“Just be prepared,” she said, “Women will hate your guts.”

Robyn is a gun-control activist, an outspoken feminist. She’s worn her pink pussyhat at women’s marches where she’s commanded the megaphone to lead the chanting. She does not represent my target audience. She is not who needs my book. It was an awakening.

“I don’t fucking care what those women think,” I hissed in a somewhat library-appropriate whisper. I leaned toward her, my heart and face in sync. “I didn’t write this book for them and I couldn’t care less if they ever read it. I wrote it for the millions of women like me who need to learn to speak up.”

We looked at each other, speechless. The sun streamed in through the windows and lit the space between us like a photo shoot. The room seemed to have cleared, leaving Robyn and me and my empowered words.

“Write that down,” she said, breaking our impasse. Pointing her pen at my yellow legal tablet, she said, “Right now—write that down. That will go in your marketing proposal.” Her voice was urgent, her eyes intense.

The moment was a turning point, one of many as my spine grows straighter and my skin grows thicker. I can’t say that I’m not still anxious about telling my story, but I’m not as fearful as I used to be.

Now, I picture myself facing a reader who tries to shame me for my weakness.

“This is not the book for you,” I will say. “Find a friend who needs it, a friend who will grow because I had the guts to share my faulty decisions and bad behaviors.”

With those readers, I have no fear. I trust them to hear my story.
___

Karen DeBonis began writing twenty years ago after her eleven-year-old son was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Those early pages are now a real-life medical mystery about a mother who must overcome her toxic agreeability if she’s to save herself and her son. Agreeable Mom: A Harrowing Story of People-pleasing is currently available for representation. A happy empty-nester with her husband of thirty-seven years, Karen lives and writes in upstate New York. You can find out more about her journey at www.KarenDeBonis.com.

 

 

 

§ 20 Responses to The Guts to Tell My Story

  • ninagaby says:

    This is a great reminder to maintain neutrality when we consider our audience. Great piece and thanks!

  • marilyn801 says:

    Reblogged this on Celebrations Of Failure and commented:
    The willingness to share our “mistakes” can be the liberation the whole world needs – I know I certainly need it!

    • That’s wonderful – thanks for reblogging, Marilyn! I do think we all learn from each other, especially when we share our vulnerabilities. I hope you find the liberation you need. 🙂

  • Soooo many women can relate to agreeableness problems.

  • joellefraser says:

    I relate very much–I’ve been a people pleaser my whole life. I can also relate to how this transcends to the story on the page. I’m writing an essay (maybe a book) about my elderly parents’ determined decision to live isolated and off the grid. It’s gotten dangerous, but I’ve not spoken up, not loudly enough anyway. I already get backlash for this…Your essay reminded me that there are others like me who are dealing with aging parents and sometimes dire, and complex, situations.

    • It is so hard to know when to speak up and when to respect parents’ choices, Joelle. My elderly parents also made decisions as a result of their own people-pleasing that I struggled to accept. I call it generational people-pleasing. Your essay and potential book sound fascinating. Good luck with them!

  • Very inspirational thank you and may the Lord Bless you in all your endeviors.

  • Relax... says:

    It must’ve been hard enough to recall all the painful details, let alone make them public. We are not taught how to break out of even the most dire people-pleasing. Your book will break much more of that ground. You’re incredibly brave — and generous.<3

    • I never had a clue how difficult it is to write memoir until I began! It was incredibly painful, and writing through that pain has been the greatest growth experience of my life. Thanks so much for you supportive comment. 🙂

  • caliroe says:

    Brava! Transparency is genuine BRAVERY! Looking forward to your book. I know I will learn so much from you!

    • Thank you, thank you – that’s so kind of you. I have a saying: “Admitting a problem is a deeply courageous act. We should react to those who share their story not with shock, but with awe.” I’m so glad you’ll be with me on my journey.

  • Yes Yes Yes! You speak for me as well, when you speak for yourself. I am your reader!

  • Karen, I know a little about your journey, and a little about your memoir, but this piece entices me to read the book as soon as it comes out. *This* is the description of your story that makes me want to pre-order!

    • Emily, you’ve been so supportive, and it’s people like you who make me want to continue on this journey. I’ll be sure to let you know when preordering is available. (Of course, I have to get it published first ;))

  • Kim Hinson says:

    Really great essay here Karen! I’ll be among your many, many ideal readers who will connect with you and your story. Thanks for sharing! Ps Your website is great 🙂

    • Kim, I’m so glad I found you and you found me! We are in this together and together we’ll grow. (I’m glad you liked my website, too. I recently discovered that I have some glitches with links and confirmation emails, so if you ran into problems, please check back soon!)

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