Embracing Our Inner Cave Bear

July 31, 2020 § 15 Comments


rick brownBy Rick Brown

We writers can be anxious types, prone to obsessing over distractions—both real and imagined—which can stall us creatively or shut us down altogether.

And it only takes a thought. Something disturbs the tall grasses of our mental landscape, and we are captivated. We feel disquiet in our bellies, our breath shortens. We watch, ready to bolt or fight. In that moment, the elements that comprise our everyday world— relationships, responsibilities, pleasures—vanish from our awareness, leaving only us and whatever it is that’s making the grass move.

But wait, this is a rather broad claim, isn’t it? We writers? Our awareness? Surely some creative folks possess what it takes to disregard those scary whatchamacallits in the grass. There must be at least several who embody the resolve of Joan of Arc, or the imperturbable serenity of a Buddha. Right?

Well, probably so. And for those of you who fit this description, my hat is off to you. As for the rest, who, like me, often experience anxiety to the point where it interferes with our writing life, read on.

I’ve been a worry wart all my life. I can lock onto a thought, usually something unpleasant or portentous, and cling to it with everything I’ve got. Once I do that, I’ll live with it during the day, and at night it will drive the plotlines of my dreams. Not only that, but I will stretch and distort the notion of my obsession until it resembles the images that I used to lift off the comic page with Silly Putty.

It doesn’t happen like this all the time; but under the right circumstances, anxiety will interfere mightily with the normal activities of my life—not the least of which includes my chosen avocation of creative writing.

Why is this so? Well I’m no psychologist, but I am convinced that deep in the folds of my brain there lurks a fearful specter: perhaps the subconscious recollection of a giant cave bear that once scared the bejesus out of some evolutionary ancestor, and quite possibly ate his cousin, too.

Normally, this primal “memory” is not a problem for me; in fact, on a conscious level I’m not even aware it exists. But when the right external stimulus presents itself—a late bill, the odd turn of a loved one’s voice, a writerly deadline—my sense of reason gives way, intellect goes into hiding, and that dreaded creature of old saunters out from his lair, with noisome, matted fur and steak-knife-sharp teeth dripping with goo.

But maybe that’s too specific. Instead, I’ll offer up a different analogy, really more of a cliché: Anxiety leads me to make mountains out of molehills. Under its spell, I can take the smallest concern and magnify it to the point where I can barely function. For years I assumed that this was normal. Thankfully, I’ve since discovered it is not. Through therapy, mindfulness practice, and the help of medication I am fortunate to have experienced a lessening in the frequency and severity of undue anxiety. Not that I don’t still encounter it from time to time, but the disorder no longer exerts quite the same hold over me. These days, I can function in spite of it.

As I write this, the writer in me now wonders whether I might also function because of it. After all, what is anxiety but a manifestation of thought: a physical, biochemical event to which I’ve assigned specific meaning? While I’m not normally a fan of catchy acronyms, I’ve often heard it suggested that “fear” might stand for False Evidence Appearing Real. This is actually a fitting description, one that could also apply to anxiety, at least as I experience it. And how do I flesh out this false evidence to the point where it appears real? By harnessing the very same power that drives the creative spirit: my own imagination.

How strange to discover that the mental process I consider so dear and necessary to my contentment and writerly output can also awaken a 40,000-year-old cave bear.

Bearing this in mind (pun intended), I think that it may be time to reconsider the concept of anxiety and what it means to me. In fact, I might even take the step of making peace with it. Instead of recoiling in apprehension, I might take a mindful moment to breathe deeply and assess the presumed threat. Chances are the specter of the cave bear will have moved on by then, leaving me alone with a simple choice: whether to fool myself further or to continue on my own way.

And from there, with my imagination already awakened, I might put that magnificent gift to better use in the here and now, perhaps by crafting a character sketch for the perfect villain, or bringing a fitting close to some vexing, unfinished essay about one of my worst fears realized.

Then too, I might even start something new—say, the gripping tale of a prehistoric man and his hapless cousin.
___

Rick Brown is a landlord who much prefers to write. He has a Master of Arts in History from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee and a Master of Fine Arts in Writing from Spalding University, in Louisville. He is a founding member and contributor to the writers’ blog, Literary Labors (and the Occasional Cheese Dip), and has recently completed a memoir manuscript, titled My Own Man: A Memoir of Becoming. Brown lives in La Crosse, Wisconsin.

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§ 15 Responses to Embracing Our Inner Cave Bear

  • henhouselady says:

    Thank you for sharing. I know how it feels to have a room in ‘mountain out of molehill land’. I’ve also discovered that’s the place where most of my stories dwell, only I don’t discover it until later.

  • joellefraser says:

    This essay is inspiring to me–both for myself as a writer and for my son who has an anxiety disorder. Thank you so much for this metaphoric refection and the hope it offers.

    • Rick Brown says:

      Thank you, Joelle. Your son is definitely not alone. Thankfully, we now live in a time when anxiety disorder is better recognized and people are less likely to tell kids (and adults) to just “get over it.”

  • Love the inner cave bear and thoughts “scary whatchamacallits in the grass”.

  • Jill McLain says:

    Hi, Rick. I found and read your essay only because Joelle shared it on FB. It is one of those serendipitous moments that I feel thankful for and love. I grew up in a household where I had great anxiety, anticipating the next time the gun would go off, so to speak. My 24-yr-old son suffers from anxiety as well. I am going to share this with him in hopes that it helps him, too.

    Thank you for your emotive writing and sharing.

    • Rick Brown says:

      Hi Jill. Thanks for commenting. Yes, that “next time the gun would go off” fear hardwires us for anxiety down the road. As I grow older and continue to disentangle myself, I’ve come to realize that much of my own anxiety is rooted in the codependent relationships I developed with my parents very early on. Those relationships provided the template for future relationships with crucial people. I’ve written a lot about this in my as-yet-unpublished memoir manuscript, and it has been helpful in rooting out and facing what has been a lifelong problem. Of course, now it is up to me to do something about it. But that’s the adventure of self-discovery, right?

  • Ed Markovich says:

    Well, you nailed it. The Age of Anxiety started before we were born, and it appears to be coming back strong again. I salute your mindfulness and therapeutic approach. I like to call it meditation and medication. The real problem with anxiety is that the fight or flight response prevents long-term memory formation. But thankfully, it is controllable, and exercise, good food and good entertainment also help. Keep the faith. When it comes to mental health, we truly are all in this together!

  • Rick Brown says:

    That is interesting about anxiety and its effect on long-term memory formation. Almost like it’s covering its own tracks in our psyche. Thank you for chiming in, Ed! And yes, we are in this together. Peace.

  • maddielock1955 says:

    Hi Rick,I tend to run on anxious awareness a lot, have since my earliest memories. I realize now that we are all hard-wired for survival; this ties right in. Knowing this helps. And meditation. And lots of self-talk. Of course, the circumstances of our lives influence as well. The long-term memory formation Ed mentions is extremely interesting and may help to explain my “memory holes” especially in my childhood. I’ll do more research. I took a class with you and enjoyed your writing and insight–congrats on finishing your manuscript; I’m still working on mine.

    • Rick Brown says:

      Hi Maddie! Wow, great to hear from you again! Meditation is so important–thanks for adding that point. When I use it consistently, things fall into place so much better. But I fall away from it sometimes for lengthy periods and pay the price. Glad you are still working on that memoir of yours. All the best to you.

  • Mary Schroeder says:

    I see this,hear this and know this . I know where you r mind is and maybe has been but you describe things beautifully. Obviously I’m not a writer but I can read. Great job !

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