A Conversation a Writer Had Late at Night with Her Evil Brain

By Margaret Elysia Garcia

Writer’s Evil Brain: What are you doing?

Writer:  What does it look like I’m doing? I’m making a to-do list. There are things to submit. I kinda thought about that NaNoWriMo thing again but –  I just don’t write that way.

Writer’s Evil Brain: Well you never finish those things. How about we eat something?

Writer: We just had dinner.

Writer’s Evil Brain: You only ate three pieces of chocolate today, there’s room for more! Loaf of bread maybe?

Writer: Who are you?

Writer’s Evil Brain: You.

Writer:  Keep away from me. I had a good week last week.

Writer’s Evil Brain: Not so good this week though.

Writer: I had two things published. Leave me alone.

Writer’s Evil Brain:  Did it come with health insurance? I don’t think so.

Writer: Who are you, my mother?

Writer’s Evil Brain:  I’m waiting for you to answer me.

Writer: I worked on things today. Okay? I did. And—I didn’t play online mahjong or check social media or anything.

Writer’s Evil Brain:  Really?

Writer:  Only in the morning. When I was checking email. But I am working.

Writer’s Evil Brain:  And yet the book still sits there only half edited. You aren’t getting any younger and must I remind you that hello THIS IS WHAT YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO DO.

Writer: It’s useless.

Writer’s Evil Brain: Like majoring in your own language?

Writer: It seemed like a great idea at the time and marketable to all sorts of low paying prestige-less jobs. Fuck. Now I’m doing it. Go away Writer’s Evil Brain! I’m doing shit. I’m just not doing it at your pace. Did you just finish a new play and a poetry manuscript? No you didn’t.

Writer’s Evil Brain: Actually you haven’t finished the edits on either of those things. Hey. What are you doing? You’re not going to. Put that down.

Writer: What this? [Writer pulls out edible gummie].

Writer’s Evil Brain:  Yes that. Don’t do it. We can stay up editing till three o’clock in the morning if you want. We can crack out on twitter. We can tell your Trump supporting mother in law to fuck off on text. But don’t edible, girlfriend.

Writer:  Why? Because you know I’ll go to sleep in half an hour. I have time to edit tomorrow and before the weekend is out at least one of those projects will be tackled. Why do you even care? You’ve published lots of things this year. Stop freaking out on me.

Writer’s Evil Brain: You’re going to wake up late, panic, and read the New York Times and wish you were Roxane Gay because you kind of thought those things she wrote about, and thought about writing it, but you didn’t actually write them down, loser.

Writer: I’m chewing.

Writer’s Evil Brain: I’m done with you. I’m going to go next door and bother your hack neighbor who just writes off a template. ‘Insert main character here.’

Writer: Ha! You won’t go. You hate that guy. Good night, evil brain. I’ll see you in the morning for edits. I promise.

Writer’s Evil Brain: Whatever, bitch.

Writer: Night. [yawn].
___

Margaret Elysia Garcia is the author of short story ebook collection Sad Girls and Other Stories, and the audiobook Mary of the Chance Encounters, and the co-founder and lead playwright of Las Pachucas, theatrical troupe. She teaches creative writing and theatre in a California state prison.