Lydia Fakundiny and the Art of the Essay
February 22, 2021 § 14 Comments
By Nicole Graev Lipson
After my son was born, I emailed my college writing teacher to share the news, eager to bring her along with me into this new life stage. Once, she’d been the notoriously intimidating professor whose name got passed around among Cornell’s English majors. But after three semesters in her classroom, over nearly two decades of emails that ebbed and flowed, through my own writing and teaching career, she’d become to me, simply, Lydia: mentor, voice of conscience, distant lighthouse. It’d been almost a year since our last contact, and this milestone had left me searching for my coordinates.
When I first met Lydia Fakundiny, my world had turned, without warning, to confusion. My parents’ marriage imploded, and they wouldn’t say why. I gained twenty pounds, watching my body swell into rolling hills. And then I lost forty, watching it shrink into skeletal valleys. I took secret gulps of cinnamon liqueur before leaving my room, certain I was unfit for the world without them. I didn’t know what was happening—just that the person I once was had disappeared.
In this state, I found myself in Lydia’s course The Art of the Essay, gathered at a table with eleven classmates. There was the notorious professor on the first day, seated before a stack of books. Her dark hair fell at an angle to her chin; her forehead was creased by years of thought. She didn’t smile—not quite. “I have no syllabus,” she said. “We’ll need to invent this path together.”
I’d always known the “essay” as something five paragraphs long that I wrote to prove to teachers what they wanted proven. Lydia showed us what an essay could be: the journey of the mind pushing, on paper, through uncertainty. She read to us from the masters—Baldwin, Woolf, Didion, Walker—and their words passing through her took on profound urgency. I listened closer than I’d known one could listen, hitching my way on these words to a place where things made sense.
Meaning, I learned, had an architecture. A sentence, depending how it was built, could crack the heart open like a cathedral door, or leave it numb as a concrete cell. Tentative, I wrote my first essay. Lydia returned my ten pages with two pages of typed comments, and I discovered the exhilaration of being taken seriously. I wrote another essay, and then another. A sliver of path opened. I saw I was in the middle of a living paragraph—one that I could write my way out of.
When fear stopped me from registering for her higher-level course, Lydia called demanding to know why I wasn’t on her roster. When my grandparents went missing at my graduation, she slipped off in her regalia to track down the campus police. When I told her I’d landed an interview at a New York City magazine, she gestured toward my gingham dress: “I hope,” she said, “that you won’t be wearing that.” I heard this not as judgment, but devotion.
Years later, I sat at seminar tables with my own English students, discussing essays I’d discussed with Lydia, assigning them her assignments. “Read it like it matters!” I urged them before they shared work aloud, just as she once urged me. Teach them like they matter, I told myself, advice she’d never actually uttered because she didn’t need to.
Late at night, I saw that my email to Lydia had bounced back. Maybe her address had changed? I Googled her. What appeared was impossible to absorb: her name, so familiar and indelible, hovering in bold letters above an obituary. Survived by her brothers. In lieu of flowers. My heart stumbled over the phrases.
I had missed her by one month. While I’d been sleeping, sorting mail, wandering the grocery aisles, she had been ill, and then dying, and then gone. There were no calls in the middle of the night, no relatives mobilizing in my kitchen, no guests to welcome to a shiva. There was just me on my couch, shame over my oblivion, grief over all I’d taken and never given back.
I thought of tracking down her brothers, or writing a testimonial on the funeral home’s comment wall. But neither of these felt right. Instead, my infant son blinking beside me, I wrote her one last email, thanking her for helping me understand, through the art of writing, the art of living. I pressed “send” and watched it disappear, a burst of pixels swirling away like dust.
My son’s fist was a curled seashell. His tiny chest rose and fell. I promised him a lifetime of mattering, in honor and memory of her.
___
Nicole Graev Lipson’s essays have appeared in River Teeth, Creative Nonfiction, The Hudson Review, Hippocampus, The Washington Post, and The Boston Globe, among other publications. Her work has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize and selected as a “Notable Essay” in The Best American Essays. She lives in Brookline, Massachusetts, where she is working on a collection of essays about motherhood. She can be reached at www.nicolegraevlipson.com.
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lovely tribute, I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend and mentor, but appreciate you sharing this beautiful and uplifting piece.
“Teach them like they matter.” And tell them while we can. Like you, I missed that opportunity with a teacher I prized above all. Thank you for this beautiful essay.
There will be a whirlwind of reaching out, thanks to you and to this.
Beautifully said, Nicole. How many times I’ve wished I could say how much I cherished and appreciated what someone has done for me over the years. Now I’m willing to look foolish to say what I feel about my mentors. Thank you for your honesty and for the love and respect you reflect in your essay.
Beautiful, and so many gems here. The definition of an essay: the journey of the mind pushing, on paper, through uncertainty. …understand, through the art of writing, the art of living.” Thank you. What a gift to have such a teacher, and what a gift to be loved so by a student.
This is as beautiful an homage, obituary, and treatise on how to write an essay as I can imagine. She taught you well, and that you pass her passion along to your students and son is the best way of honoring her. Thank you.
Beautiful tribute and account of how much she meant for you. It’s something how one small classroom once a week can be such a refuge and a place of discovery
I forget who right now, but some CNF luminary said that Lydia’s anthology, both for its selections and her commentary, is the best we have.
“I heard this not as judgment, but devotion.” May Lydia’s brilliance and friendship always shine as devotion. Such a tender tribute.
This is beautiful and heartbreaking. Her anthology changed my life. Thanks for this personal tribute.
This is just beautiful. Your teacher would be so proud.
A story that seems at first to be about an individual but which gradually introduces deep loss to one. Thanks for sharing. May your vacuum be filled.
I found this beautiful piece as I searched for Lydia’s name. Writing again, I was thinking of her, of her marvellous essay class, and wondering if she were still with us. You have captured the experience of know her so very well – thank you.