Crabby Hermits and Simone Biles: Using Satire and Experimental Forms

By Carlos Greaves

Simone Biles had just withdrawn from the women’s gymnastics team event at the Tokyo Olympics, and reading Piers Morgan’s tweet made my blood boil.

“Are ‘mental health issues’ now the go-to excuse for any poor performance in elite sport? What a joke.”

How someone with zero experience competing in elite sports — let alone Olympic gymnastics — could say something so heartless and ignorant about an athlete’s struggles was baffling to me. So, as a satirist, I did what I normally do when I read something that makes me incandescently angry — I tried to write something funny about it.

If you read McSweeney’s or The New Yorker’s “Daily Shouts” section frequently, then you’re likely familiar with humor pieces that take on any number of forms, from BINGO, to math problems, to a spoof of the New York Times’ “Connections” game.

This writing technique is called a hermit crab essay, and here is everything you need to know about what hermit crab essays are and how to write one: 

FAQ About Hermit Crab Essays

What is a hermit crab essay?

A hermit crab essay is one in which the writer uses an existing form such as a letter, a quiz, or a product review, as a structure for their writing. 

What are some examples of hermit crab essays?

• Brenda Miller’s rejection letters essay, “We Regret to Inform You”
• Samantha Irby’s recipe essay, “an instagram frittata”
• “Thanksgiving Rider” by Simon Rich

Is this FAQ an example of a hermit crab essay?

Yes, how very astute of you. But was that actually a question, or are you one of those people who likes to ask questions they know the answer to in order to show off how smart they are?

How do you choose what form to use for your hermit crab essay?

I’m so glad you asked. Often, the form conveys something about the author or the characters. Samantha Irby’s recipe essay, for example, tells us about her complicated relationship with food. In the case of “Thanksgiving Rider,” the use of legalese reveals the ways in which the relationship between the mother and daughter feels contractual and carefully negotiated.

Is it called a hermit crab essay because the author is adopting a “shell” for their essay much like a hermit crab?

No, it’s because writers are all crabby hermits. Yes, of course that’s why it’s called a hermit crab essay. But, again, I’m pretty sure you asked this question already knowing the answer, you obnoxious little teacher’s pet, you.

What are some benefits of hermit crab essays?

• Constraints are a great way to combat writer’s block. Having a specific form to work off of can help eliminate the paralysis of choice when tackling a topic.

• Form can add a layer of humor as well as get the author’s point of view across more effectively. 

• Hermit crab essays are also a great way to structure essays about hermit crab essays because they provide a concrete example of a hermit crab essay while allowing the author to insert running jokes that make the essay more fun to read.

Do hermit crab essays always have to include meta humor?

No, that’s just a thing I enjoy doing.

As I was brainstorming ways to satirize Piers Morgan’s tweet, I thought about how unqualified he was to weigh in on Biles’ decision to withdraw. That got me thinking: is anyone qualified to criticize the greatest gymnast of all time? That question inspired my piece, Are You Allowed to Criticize Simone Biles?: A Decision Tree, which uses a flowchart to guide the reader through questions like “Are you a gymnast? Yes or No?” and “Did you win four gold medals in women’s gymnastics at the 2016 Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro? Yes or No?” Gradually, as the reader follows the flowchart, it becomes clear that the only person allowed to criticize Simone Biles is Simone Biles.

A few days after the piece was published, a friend texted me, “Check out Simone’s Twitter page!” There, under the “likes” section, was a link to my piece. That my piece about Simone Biles, borne out of second-hand frustration and written by a stranger half a world away, was able to reach Biles herself was empowering as a writer. And look, I’m not saying my piece was the reason Simone was able to bounce back so quickly and win a bronze medal in the balance beam. But I’m also not not saying that (I’m kidding, she bounced back so quickly because she’s Simone freaking Biles). Still, maybe an essay with the right form can be just the thing to reach someone struggling to find a form of their own.
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Carlos Greaves is an engineer, writer, filmmaker, and occasional Bruno Mars impersonator. His writing has been featured in The New Yorker, NPR, and McSweeney’s, and his debut book, Spoilers: Essays That Might Ruin Your Favorite Hollywood Movies is available wherever you get your books. More of Carlos’s writing may be found at shadesofgreaves.substack.com