Hi! You are About to be Rejected from Our Quarterly
April 5, 2017 § 22 Comments
By Pete Candler
Last week I received a very odd email from a notable Quarterly Magazine, in which the new Executive Director pre-warned me that I would soon receive a rejection notice for a submission I made to the journal over two years ago, which submission I withdrew in December. Here is my response:
10:01 PM
Hello,
Hello!
My name is XXXXX…
Hi, XXXXX!
…and I am writing you as the new Executive Director at XXXXX Quarterly.
Hey, congratulations! So is this your first email as Executive Director? I’m sure it’s going to be great!
I know it’s been quite some time since you’ve received word from us about your Quarterly submission…
Oh, that! I was starting to wonder about you guys. I assumed you went belly-up, or maybe there was a grease fire or something. That was—what? —December 2014? Thanks for assuming I’m still alive at this point, though!
…and I want to apologize for that. Our staff is quite small and…
No, don’t sweat it! I am sure y’all have been insanely busy—
…the Quarterly was on a long (too long!) hiatus.
—Oh. Nevermind.
A long hiatus, huh? Where’d you go? Mar-a-Lago? I hear that place is kind of hard to stay away from. And with a hiatus program like that, can I come work for you? Because I really like not working with as few other people as possible.
I am excited to announce that we sent our 49th issue to press…
Forty-ninth! Wow, congrats, y’all! Are you still writing each one out by hand?
…and subscribers will receive their copy in the next six weeks.
That is so great. I am so happy for them!
We’ll also reopen our submissions very, very soon!
[whistling “When the Saints Go Marching In”]
Please note that you will soon receive a rejection notice for your former submission.
Oh. Well that’s a new one. Never had a pre-rejection notice before. That’s so sweet. Most journals only let you down you one time. But you’ve given me the opportunity to experience rejection twice! You guys—always bucking convention!
To be honest, it’s been so long since I submitted the thing you’re referring to that I’m not even sure what you’re referring to. I’m not even the same person I was when I sent that to you. I have had another kid since then. But don’t worry about it—I don’t think I sent you a birth announcement.
Oh, and by the by—I withdrew the submission after two years. I’m sorry if I was a little hasty! The kid is talking now, though!
We highly encourage you to resubmit in April if you are still interested.
Why wouldn’t I be interested? I’ve waited this long, what’s a few more years of my life?
One thing, though: could I give you the contact information for my attorney, in the event that I am deceased by the time I hear back from you if I decide to resubmit? She is handling all of my posthumous publications.
Please do expect a wait time of 4-6 weeks while we get back up to speed.
4-6 weeks? Did you mean to type “weeks”? Is that lunar weeks? Or like Book of Genesis weeks?
Thank you so much for your interest in XXXX Quarterly! I hope to hear more from you soon.
You bet! But just in case you don’t, rest assured that my silence is in no way an indication of merit or interest in the journal.
10:22 PM
Hello again,
Oh hey! That was fast. I was just in the middle of writing you too! Two years of absolute silence from you all and then two emails in twenty-one minutes! I’m starting to feel a special bond with you, XXXXX.
Because so many have already asked…
Ah. Nevermind.
… please allow me to clarify: The impending rejection is merely an administrative necessity to re-open submissions and allow those still interested to submit again (or submit a newer piece) in April.
Well why didn’t you just say so? Not that I understand the term “administrative necessity,” me being an artist and all. But do continue!
It is in no way an indication of merit or interest in the piece.
Uh huh. I liked it better when you were bucking convention and pre-breaking up with me. But this line sounds familiar.
I do apologize if that was unclear. Please feel free to ask more questions. We’re deeply interested in reading your work!
How deep is your love?
__
Pete Candler’s scholarly and creative work has been rejected by a wide range of some of the finest and most illustrious journals in the land, including Modern Theology, Poetry, and The New Yorker, which once returned an unsolicited manuscript (circa 1997) submission with no note or letter but with a simple but thorough slash through the pages. Candler lives in Asheville, North Carolina, where he writes fiction and essays. He is currently preparing a manuscript for rejection by The Atlantic. His twitter handle: @tweetcandler
This made me laugh!
Absolutely excellent.
Your submission/post is accepted in my book. I’ll be sharing in my circle.
Lol 😂..
really..
good gracious…
Love how you reply though…
so hilarious 😂..
I tell you..
Who is really running this place…
Lol 😂
Pre rejection. Perfect. Reminds me of my college dating…
I got so much vicarious satisfaction from reading this. And, since it’s published in Brevity, I know it must be real not just funny, which is why it’s so damn funny. Thanks for writing it.
This makes me bitterly happy. Or happily bitter.
http://www.themonarchreview.org/i-reject-your-rejection-ryan-shoemaker/
I would love to read the piece that the New Yorker considered slasher material back in 1997.
“Administrative necessity” belongs right up there with “alternative facts.”
I’ve seen other take-offs on rejection slips before, but this is especially rich!
Impending rejection. Ha! It’ll probably arrive postage due. ~TH~
Fan-freaking-tastic!
It makes me want to start my own collection of rejection letters!
You know what irritates me more than anything is copying and pasting a conversation. That is exactly what that was. That was no more than some secretary sending out a “pre-recorded” message and what makes me irritated is it is WAY impersonal! NO mention that the submission was TWO years old! I mean come on REALLY? Writers don’t get the recognition that they deserve! Honestly, sometimes I wonder what we would do if all the writers of the world just stopped for a day! No news, no facebook, no nothing. The world would just stop. I loved your responses especially about the two year old talking now LOL 🙂 Chin up! I am more than sure your submissions are way better suited at a company that can ACTUALLY write a much better rejection letter and not have to send TWO! Have a blessed day!
Pretty freaking hilarious.
“how deep is your love….” Great!
Delightful. I love those special bonds we form with publications.
😀😀😀 excellent and so funny. Thank you for the morning laugh !
Wow. I thought I had seen every type of rejection, but that is beyond. Hilarious.
This is the most hysterical thing I’ve read all week. Thanks for the smile.
Love the tag as much as the article!
You’ve got a great idea; that is a listing of rejections for your resume. Some people only get rejected by little known publications, while others, like you, get rejected by the best. How cool is that!