Writing Like a Mother
August 16, 2017 § 39 Comments
By Shanon Lee
Sometime after having a baby, and making a fateful decision to ditch grad school to pursue a writing career, I had this notion that writing while mothering would be easy. I imagined working from home would be orderly, convenient and efficient. It was simple. I would write in the quiet moments before our hectic morning routine got underway, during the baby’s naptime and after everyone had gone to sleep at night.
I had to learn the truth the hard way.
That some day’s the muse doesn’t come, or if it does – I may not be prepared. That writing requires mental and emotional labor I am not always equipped to manage. That great writing rarely happens when you are sleep deprived. That writing while mothering is draining.
I am consumed with guilt when I choose writing over spending time with my children, and racked with anxiety when I ignore my impulse to write. By now I understand, as much as I adore my children, I need dedicated time and space to artfully compose the stories I am called to write. New challenges emerge while trying to accomplish this.
Reading Black, White and Jewish, was my first glimpse into a writing motherhood – albeit bad one. In the book, Rebecca Walker detailed the neglect she suffered while being raised by a writer for a mother. While literary icon Alice Walker attended writing residencies for long stretches, she left her daughter alone at home – prematurely forcing her to become independent.
In one heart-breaking passage, Walker described how her mother paid a neighbor to take her back-to-school shopping in her absence. Without parental guidance, she experimented with drugs, became sexually active at a young age and had an abortion at age 14. As raw as the stories in Walker’s memoir are, I know it will never be my children’s reality. My compulsion to write will never drive me to neglect them.
Yet, even though I could not identify with her mothers choices, I understood the impulse to retreat into isolation to create. I have often fantasized about what might happen if I could focus on writing without the demands of rearing children, working and managing a household.
Women like Alice Walker knew there were options for writers who did not forgo motherhood to pursue a writing career. They knew extended solitude was necessary to create their best work and set out to find it. They understood the benefits of immersing themselves in the world of writing, surrounded by their peers, if only for a moment in time.
They knew there was a space for us.
Alice Walker worked on her first novel during her residency at MacDowell. At some point, she attended Yaddo too. Susan Cheever, Mona Simpson and Susan Minot have children and are also among Yaddo alumni. Writing mothers including Jane Hamilton, Karyn Kusama, Dani Shapiro and Annette Gordon-Reed have all attended Hedgebrook. These women honored their passion by negotiating time to devote to their writing and other moms can too.
I am convinced that attending a writer’s residency does not have to disrupt our entire life, or permanently scar our children. Writer-in-residence programs now offer short stays and even virtual options for those who need it. Weekend writing seminars and workshops are an alternative for those who cannot commit to a full residency.
In November of 2016, I attended a weekend writing seminar in St. Petersburg, FL. It was the first time I travelled away from home alone to write. Their dad held down the fort and our kids had a blast while I was gone. At times, it felt as if I missed them more than they missed me. Most importantly, attending the seminar allowed me to bond with my peers and learn skills that took my writing in a new direction.
This year, I completed a summer writing residency that did not require travel, but offered one week of private accommodations to write in peace during the day. I will continue to submit applications to notable residency programs like Hedgebrook, in hopes of being able to completely break away from my daily obligations and just write for two weeks.
My definition of being a great mother has expanded to include being someone that protects her identity as a writer and satisfies her impulse to create. By carving out space in my schedule for dedicated writing time, I am honoring my purpose and the legacy of writing mothers that came before me.
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Shanon Lee is a Survivor Activist & Storyteller with features on HuffPost Live, The Wall Street Journal, TV One and the REELZ Channel’s SCANDAL MADE ME FAMOUS. Her work appears in The Washington Post, The Lily, Cosmopolitan, Good Housekeeping, ELLE, Marie Claire, Woman’s Day and Redbook. Shanon is a Women’s Media Center SheSource Expert and an official member of the Speakers Bureau for the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN). She is the writer, producer and director of Marital Rape Is Real. Learn more about her work at Mylove4Writing.com.
My kids are grown and just last night we were reminiscing about how much fun they had when I used to go away for workshops a couple times a year as a childbirth educator. They and their dad had a whole routine of movies and fast food!
They really do find their own groove!
As a new mother – I can totally relate! I feel so guilty when I take time for myself that it’s hardly worth it and I can’t focus. I can easily arrange for the time (AMAZING husband), but training my brain to block out taking care of my family for a few hours to write and exercise is proving to be the most difficult part.
It is a challenge!
. . . or like a bad father. Consider Raymond Carver.
Wow, yes. He definitely articulated the same struggle and like Alice Walker, he chose art first.
I deeply appreciate this post and the great effort of weaving a life that holds both writing and mothering as creative, necessary work. Thank you. Shannon for writing, and Brevity blog for publishing.
Almost 20 years ago, when my youngest child was two, I had the great fortune to spend a week at the feminist writer’s workshop Flight of the Mind. That week not only gave me time to write, but fed my writer’s soul and even now continues to support me as a writer-mother (now grandmother).
I too found myself as a writer at The Flight of the Mind! I found writing as art partially because an incident when my son was two years old convinced me that enameling was not in my immediate future. I have not looked back.
That is amazing. Thanks for reading and confirming what I’ve grown to believe!
I too thought that writing at home with a child would be easy. Couldn’t be further from the truth. I have found that occasionally at night after she’s in bed I still have the energy to sit and write I can do some serious work. But usually it’s quick little hashings that happen.
I’m glad you’ve found your groove. I hope to find mine without sacrificing one or the other.
It’s a tough battle. Keep up the fight.
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Mothering my daughter and writing are my two purposes in life. I can’t have one without the other. Thank you for sharing your experience of both being a mother and a writer.
Yes. Thank you for reading!
My CV includes daughter, wife sister, writer, mother and grandmother. My experiences are ongoing.
Awesome and so true 😂🙏
I felt every word of this. I also know that your patience and dedication will be rewarded. As I send my son off to college this week, I see a wide open horizon on which to continue my story. Best of luck to you.
Hello I’m new to WordPress. I agree with everything you wrote.
So glad to see you doing this!
I returned to writing twenty years after I began, once my kids were older. The delay was not by choice. Yet, once I began to write again it actually made me a better parent. Don’t sacrifice one love for the other. There are so many avenues available now. Master what you love and give your children a great example of how to pursue your dreams.
Fantastic post, so inspirational. Working and being a mummy can be difficult. But it is important we set time aside to be creative like you say. It keeps us sane! X
Life as a woman is a difficult yet simple one
GOD BLESS ALL THE WOMEN
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I agree with you
YEA
Writing is always a solitary journey that most people around you always find strange especially if you also hardly have something to show of it like myself, I have always set up special times for my writings and really always felt, that is the only time I can spare to escape the reality that is glaring at me and drown myself into this escape zone of words and imagination. So just do it for yourself.
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woow this is absolutely awesome, i can relate with you to certain extent. I too feel guilty when i get the time to do my writing, i feel bad for doing that cause i too have a 1 year daughter. but this has encouraged me to keep at it and of course have time to spend with my daughter.
As a new dad I could appreciate every word you wrote. It is almost impossible for me to steal any kind of time to write. It has gotten to the point that I sincerely seem to have lost any creative rhythm in my life. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Hello I am new to WordPress and this was very inspiring being that I would like to join the writing world and am a new mom of a 7 month old. It’s very refreshing to know that others have done and verifying that I can too! Thank you!!
I encourage you to keep carving out time for yourself. I went to Bread Loaf when my kids were 11 and 12, and got my MFA at Bennington in my late 50s. Who knows what’s next!
This is a nice piece for the women folk.
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I’m new as well. I’ve taken a leap, and reading this blog entry has inspired me to stay the course. i owe it to myself.
Well said. I finished my masters degree while working full time and my husband stepped up to help. It was one of the hardest things I’ve done. The reward was when my younger son told me what a role model I was for him. Keep writing!
I’ve been writing after both my children are in bed. My husband has a hard time letting me be and I feel bad for neglecting him on the nights I write. I have a full time day job so my only option is at night. I am living the struggle of getting in the me time I want (need) and balancing a family. I think about writing a lot but I have to hold myself back when the kids are up and around.
For years I held on to the story of Toni Morrison as a single mother coming home from work, making dinner and putting her children to bed and then writing The Bluest Eye. I needed reminding that we do what we must and when we can.
I totally identify with your comment about the writing ‘lightening’ missing the target (me!) or striking at odd times. It is a time intensive mental exercise, with no shortcuts.
The two stories I could write as a new entrant, took ever so long.And the anxiety that your work is not pedestrian can be nerve wrecking.
Reblogged this on Notes from An Alien and commented:
Are you a mom who wants to write; or, do you know one?
Here’s a heart-filling re-blog about choices, good and bad…
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